Technology is Ruining My Life So I’m Going to Ruin Everybody Else’s

I don’t know and am also unsure. I am both simultaneously. I didn’t know when I hatched this plan but I have now just realised this is the best plan. Everyone else shall suffer my wrath and I will be right there ruining their life. I already ruined my own with technology and doomscrolling just scrolling away like my life is everybody else’s life in the world. But fuck it I am entitled to my anger and I didn’t ruin my own life, technology did. You fffffffuckers. I am going to leave my house now. I haven’t done such a thing since I was a child so the fact I’m doing it now that I’m 32 and my life has been ruined by technology means that I have succeeded at life. And that life has now just failed me.

I smell the fresh air. I hate it. It goes bye bye now. All the air will be stink and smoke and death to all. The first plan of action is to be in a company. Preferably an oil company because my tactics can be more effective there. I made it in because I spent all my time at home researching the stock market and that’s how I made all my money. I took a 1$ stock and flipped that shit for fucking thousands. I’m not talking about Apple I’m talking about hoobasheeeepink inc, the most highly valued company in the world. I am now fabulously wealthy, but it’s gonna be nowhere near as miraculous as what I’m gonna do for these board room jerk offs.

I walked straight into the meeting for my job: Mailroom clerk. Yep, that’s all I’m trying for right now. It’s as isolated as can be, but it gets me in the building. And of course I have been gladly invited in. Oh joyous days my second phase can be initiated. I bought up as much stock of the oil company as I could. There’s only one now because of those fucking environmentalist pricks. I bought them up and sold them immediately to a different guy. HA joke’s on you the different guy is also me in a different account.

I did it like that, buying up shares from the company and anyone I could get my grubby hands on and then selling them to the same guy for higher and higher prices. Of course I just give this money to myself but the point is the money/stocks circulates. Now suddenly everyone’s like “oh shit this guy reeeeally wants shares. Imma dump on him because oil is being replaced by other energy sources real quick.”

I am now a solid minority stakeholder in this company. But I got fired for not actually delivering mail, oh well. On the last day they got security because I refused to leave. But they forgot about my pocket aces. “I’m A BOARD MEMBER” I shouted. He unhanded me in the rare off-chance that I was telling the truth. “That’s more like it. Run my name look for shareholders.”

Lo and behold there I was, one of the biggest in the company. “I’m so so so sorry sir” The mailroom boss splurted out.

“Ha, you’re fired” I said pointing at him. One person’s life ruined, everyone else’s to go. I strutted confidently up to the boardroom and said, simply “We need to dump more oil in the oceans. You guys are going at a rate of once per week, I need once per day.”

“But sir!” He shouted, by he I meant the CEO, “We’ve been trying our best and we just can’t dump that fast”

“Let me handle this…” I said ominously. I was going to do all this myself. Like a true leader does. This is how we’re gonna ruin people’s lives.