This Fuckin’ Guy

I swear to god If I have to talk to this guy anymore I am going to lose my goddamn mind. The man, Johnson, seriously he wanted to be referred to as just “Johnson” was taking up all of my time at the stall. I own a store, and to a certain extent I will let you chat with me but for fuck’s sake it’s been several hours at this point. I would tell him in as polite terms as I can to piss off but that’s illegal, and if this guy’s an undercover global federal agent I will be in the deep shit. He kept droning on and on I honestly have no idea where he’s getting all of these conversational topics. Fuck, I mean he has been talking so long I have no idea where we started, he could be recycling everything and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

“…and you want to know why the X-0092 multitool is better for a Warp Corp engine than the Y-0001? Its well documented history. If you try to use the Y-0001 the firmware’s locked down and…”

Jesus fucking christ kill me now, “I do actually know a fair bit about multitools, having owned many stores in the past and, indeed, am currently serving you in this multitool store.”

“Oh, but what about the elliptical orbits of Juipiter, am I right? Like, what is up with that?”

Help me, you, yes you, I know you’re reading my thoughts and I need you to fucking get me out of this right now. I don’t know how but think of something, I’m dying out here

“Okay, sir, I hate to do this but there is a line wrapped around the block of customers and I’m going to have to ask you to step aside for them.”

He glanced back at the furious customers as quickly as humanly possible and looked straight ahead at me. There was no more casual conversation tone, he had all of a sudden gotten serious, “Is that an order?”

“Well…no. I legally can’t force you to step aside but I’m asking.”

“Oh, well in that case let me talk about multitools a bit.”

“Wait, didn’t you just talk about them a few sentences ago?”

Johnson looked at me like I had three heads, “I did?” he thought a bit longer, “OH, right. Man, that was hours ago you really should keep up.”

Oh god I’m losing time to this prick now. “Okay no, stop right now. I’m now making it an order to move aside.”

Johnson smiled and reached into his inside jacket pocket, ah shit not again, “Agent Johnson, Global Federal Agent you’re under arrest for violating bodily autonomy law.”

I sighed, “Man, how could I have guessed. Can’t I just force you to move again?”

He seemed genuinely taken aback by that. The customers behind him had replaced their fury with resignation, as many do in situations like this.

“I suppose you could refuse to be arrested but then I would have to bring in my partner to arrest you.”

Then, all of a sudden everything clicked in my brain, “But…what if I didn’t comply with him either?”

“Um…err…city guard?”

“Them too.”

“National guard.”

“As well.”

“Global Federal Guard Units. Will you be able to resist arrest with a gun pointed straight at your face?”

“If they won’t shoot then yes.”

He looked completely defeated, as if I had battled him in some kind of duel of wits. God, I hate this fucking government so much.

“NOW will you move?”

“I guess if you won’t comply with federal law then yes. You have defeated me.”