A Chat with Sten Berkum

Hosted by Agrum Boneff

TV GUIDE:

Name

Promotion to medic after boot camp event

Two privates alone, clash of leadership, injury

Field hospital village is besieged, Sten gotta go out and fight

Still no promotion due to clerical error, never got any awards during his time

Sten sat on the uncomfortable bench of the green room. Funny, he thought to himself, It actually is green. He had to study this plain green room to steady his nerves, he was going on TV. Not just any TV show either, Agrum Boneff was the biggest host in the country of Bonein. Rumour was that he doesn’t even need to have a show with a set time, he just goes to a TV station, announces that he’s going on at a certain time, and the station shuffles shows around to accommodate.

Damn it I’m overthinking it again, it’s not that big a deal. Just go on stage and talk about your experiences, it’s not that big a deal…shit. He could have really used a drink, but supply shortages were still being felt by everyone, even ten years after the war ended. While Sten was counting bumps on the paint and bouncing his knee up and down, somebody started opening the door to backstage.

“Mister Berkum, my guy. I hate to see someone of your distinction have to…sit alone before your big day,” Agrum, the man was a nutter. He spoke like a lunatic giving a speech, even on camera. And seeing it up close, he seemed more unhinged than under the careful lighting of a studio. Despite this, Sten wanted to listen to everything he said, like Agrum had cast a spell on him. “My boy,” Sten was easily twice his age, “I set aside this time specifically for you. Let me tell you, I walked into the studio, everyone stood to attention like I was in the fucking army or something,” Agrum was waving his hands around so much Sten was worried he’d poke his eyes out, “Of course I dodged the service so I wouldn’t know, but trust me on this,” he said, flashing a toothy grin.

“Wait,” Sten interrupted, “You actually just waltz into the studios and ask for a time?”

Agrum threw his head back and laughed more deeply than Sten thought he was capable of, “Is that the rumour going around these days? I must have a spy in my team…and they must be giving terrible information. Yes, I go in and ask for a time, but my agent calls ahead weeks earlier. So whoever you heard that from, you’d better change their info.” Agrum took a moment, still maintaining eye contact with Sten. “You know how I deal with fraidyness before a show? I talk with the host about what’s going to happen next.”

Sten leaned ever so slightly back, “Did you just refer to yourself in the third person?”

“Oh no young man,” still older, “There are two me’s. Host me goes out there and gives the best fucking show of his life,” Agrum said, leaning so close to Sten he was practically lying on him, “He’s a bit of a prick all things considered, but he gets the job done so well. Then there’s no-host me. Now, no-host Agrum is chill. You may think these two men are one and the same but, creepy looks can be deceiving. I am never recognised in public. Did you know this?? did you hear about this??”

In between Agrum’s monologue about how great he is and his split personality, this insane rambling had started to calm Sten down. “I am not recognised in public because this is the only way one can be not nervous for TV is to talk with yourself. They usually know you best.”

Before Agrum could continue, the green of the paint of the room faded into a deep glowing red, with what sounded like a foghorn going off.

“TV time kiddo, I’ll call your name and you come sit in the comfy leather chair. And we’ll just talk, like chums.” Agrum opened the now red door of the greenroom and walked out, flinging his arms open. Sten could hear him from the greenroom, hell, everybody in the country could hear him. “HELLO, AGRUM ADDICTS, WELCOME TO THE SHOW!” Agrum was showered in cheers and applause for a solid five minutes, and he soaked up every second of it. Once the crowd had settled down, Agrum crossed his arms in a pose so iconic to him that almost everyone in the crowd was wearing it on a t-shirt.

“Now, I won’t waste time introducing myself. But this man…this man is special. You read his name on your guides but that does not do him justice.” The crowd was deathly quiet, hanging off every word he said, “He’s a veteran of the BoShulDen war, seeing the entire thing through from start to end. Welcome, ladies and gents, to a night with a veteran. All the way from Shul, my guest, STEN BERKUM!” Agrum shouted, adopting a lunging pose and pointing at the greenroom.

Sten opened the door and walked out. He was conscious of not walking too fast, even though he just wanted to be in the comfort of that chair as soon as possible. The crowd’s pattern of cheering as Agrum hyped them was broken, Sten walked out to a chorus of silence. Halfway to getting to the chair and the crowd was chattering to themselves. As soon as Sten’s ass hit the chair a single boo emanated from the stands, then another. The crowd had begun a series of boos and hisses, scolding Sten and unwittingly confirming his biggest nightmare about tonight: I was only brought out here as a punching bag.

Wordless, Agrum got up from his chair and moved in front of the crowd. He put on that pose that was so iconic and rang out an earsplitting whistle. “QUIET! Whatever your reservations about my guest, whatever side he may have been on in the war…he is my guest,” he scolded. Without a word more, Agrum walked back to his chair and got comfortable.

“How are you doing?” He asked, ignoring the berating he had to deliver.

Sten sighed, looked at the now silent crowd, and back to a smiling Agrum, “I’m good…thanks.”

“Great, fantabulous. I wanna start with your start…in the military,” Proud of his wordplay, Agrum continued, “Tell me about boot camp. You were one of the early risers for the call to action, before the war had become the greatest war in history. Why did you join? And how did the war change you?” Sten was reeling from the choice of questions and facts being thrown at him.

“Uh…well…there wasn’t really anything special about boot camp. I was hired by the reserve army and committed to a few months of training.” It was a crap answer, Sten knew it was a crap answer. He might as well have been reading a book of military facts.

“Sten, I can tell you’re uncomfortable, that’s totally fine, but I don’t want to hear about the Shul military. I’ll be more direct for you, how did you feel? All those years ago how did you feel about joining the military.”

Sten tapped his chair and looked down, thinking. Then he thought: Agrum isn’t trying to probe, he’s a safety net. Silencing the crowd, rephrasing questions for me, if I go too far or say something wrong he’ll just correct. With renewed confidence, Sten looked back at a waiting Agrum, “I came from a shithole village.”

Even Agrum was taken aback by this, “A shithole? Let’s hope this program doesn’t go out to them.” Agrum laughed and Sten smiled, getting more comfortable in his chair.

“Oh, don’t worry, they know. In Chillon-upon-Edge, your career prospects were either farmer or