Passive Aggressive SWAT Boss

“I dunno”

The frosty midnight wind howled through the suburban street, causing the entry team leader to shiver. Him and his team, clad head to toe in black kevlar armour, ignored the cold best they could as they looked at the house floor plan in the flashing red and blue light.

The team leader was murmuring amongst his team. In big letters on the side of the SWAT van was written in large letters: THREE UNSUBS, SIX HOSTAGES. SUSPECTS UNSTABLE, ELEVATED CHANCE OF FIRING ON HOSTAGE.

Off to the side of the team of four, an ageing man wearing a rounded, cylindrical baseball cap emblazoned with POLICE SWAT RESPONSE TEAM stood with his arms folded.

“Boss, it’s T-minus 1 hour to go time, have you decided?” The team leader said, looking at his boss, “Is entry team going through the front or the back?”

“Ehh, I dunno.”

The entry team leader, weapon patiently waiting safety on in hand, looked to his similarly dumbfounded team-mates.

“You…don’t…what?”

“It’s like, whatever, man. You do you I don’t mind.”

“Sir! There are six hostages in that building. With all due respect, we need to have a decisive strategy now. Are we going in the front or the back?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s whatever. You can do what you want,” The boss said, his shoulders being pulled further in with each syllable.

“Sir, are you delegating me to determine the route?”

“Yeah, no, I don’t know. I just don’t want to harsh the vibes out here, you feel me?”

The boss was twisting his shoe into the ground like a shy teenager. The entry team leader sighed and faced the blueprint being held up with a handy application of Blu Tack.

“Alright, the front entrance will be the most heavily fortified. We count at least two suspects making regular patrols past the windows. Now, the rear entrance—” His explanation was suddenly interrupted with what sounded like a snort from a horse. The team looked to the boss, looking down and rubbing his hands.

“It’s just, I know it’s not like you care about my opinion or anything…” He peeked out from under his hat for a response he never received, “But, like, y’know, that rear entrance has, like, a hostage behind it so you can’t breach there.”

The entry team once again glared over at the boss, more daggers added to their glances. “Sir, do you have a better entry route?”

“No, no, this is, it’s whatever. You can do whatever you want,” A stifled groan came from someone in the entry team group, “It’s not like anyone listens to me anyway.”

The entry team leader looked to his teammates for support, of which he received bewildered expressions back, and he walked over to the boss. He put his hand on his shoulder and said, “Look, boss, I know what this is about.”

“Y-yeah?”

Gunfire rang out from the building. Screams and white-hot fire roared through the windows, startling everyone but the two guys having a moment.

“Team leader. We need to make entry now!” One of the SWAT demanded.

“In a moment,” The team leader snapped, “I’m having a moment.” He sighed and continued. “This is about us missing your birthday, isn’t it?”

The SWAT boss blushed and looked away. “No, yes, it’s…it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine,” The team leader demanded, the ensuing silence punctuated by screaming in the house. “We acted like jerks, and we should have been thinking about you more.”

The boss looked up, a glint in his eyes. “Gee, you really mean that?”

“We do. As soon as we’re done here, how about we drive around town and get you the biggest birthday cake money can buy.”

“Really?”

“Really. Hey everyone!” Team leader shouted, wheeling around to the rest of team, “Three birthday cheers for the boss. Hip hip!”

No response. The gunfire in the building ebbed and flowed but never stopped.

“Hip hip!” BANG BANG BANG.

“Hip hip!” The team looked around nervously as the gunfire stopped, and an eerie silence descended on the block. Policemen, previously glaring at the inactive SWAT team, looked in horror at the quiet house. Some wept, some froze, some took their caps off and placed them on their chests.

“Alright team,” The team leader said with a clap, “Let’s get us some bad guys!”